How to Find a Pen Pal (and What to Write in Your First Letter)

Nothing brightens my day more than when I head out to the mailbox and peeking out between a bunch of junk mail (or worse, bills) is the corner of pretty envelope with a stamp on it.

It's an honest to goodness letter! Addressed to me! In a cute envelope! And I just know something delightful is waiting inside! 

If you get that same feeling when you spot some snail mail in your mailbox and you want more of that feeling (and less screen time) finding a pen pal might be the perfect hobby for you!

Finding penpals and writing snail mail letters are a great way to grow your community, meet new people, learn more about other parts of the world and exercise your creativity. And there's no screen required!

The two questions everyone asks when they're starting out are simple: where do I actually find a pen pal, and what on earth do I write in that first letter? Let's tackle both.

Things to Think About Before You Start

Before you go looking for a pen pal, it helps to get clear on a few things first:

What kind of pen pal relationship do you want?

Are you looking for a casual, occasional letter exchange, or a more committed monthly (or even weekly) correspondence?

There's no wrong answer, but it's worth knowing your own expectations going in and being upfront about them with your matches.

Domestic or international?

I love when I get to write to somebody outside of Canada. It gives me a little peek into different cultures and locations.

Writing to someone across the world is part of the magic of pen-palling, but it come with a few extra considerations: international postage costs more and if you write to a lot of people, that can add up quickly. Some countries have restrictions on what can be mailed (more on that in Over 50 Fun Things You Can Send Your Pen Pal) so you might need to do a little research. 

How much do you want to share?

Be safe with how much personal info you share with people you don't know. You don't have to share your full name or home address right away. Plenty of pen pals start with a PO box, a first name only, or a few exchanges through a platform's messaging system before swapping mailing details. Trust your gut.

Where to Find a Pen Pal

Finding a pen pal is often the hardest part. The good news is, there's a lot of options.

One of the easiest ways is to just ask your friends or family if any of them would like to take up some snail mail correspondence with you! If you have friends in another part of the country or overseas, this is a fun way to keep in touch (I got so many letters when I lived in the UK for a while - all from real life friends - and it really helped me ward off homesickness!). They're safe, you know them and you can dive right in.

Dedicated Pen Pal Websites

There are free to join sites like Global Penfriends, PenPal World and Swap-bot that specialize in matching people who want pen friends that are widely recommended in the pen pal community.  

These sites can help you find a pen pal based on interests, language, country and more. 

Social Media

Social media platforms like Instagram, Threads, Facebook and TikTok can be another option. Search for pen pal groups on Facebook or search by hashtags like #penpalswanted on Instagram or TikTok. But, unlike the dedicated websites that have a lot of safety features built-in, social media is a little trickier to navigate. So be careful and stay safe!

OnlineForums

You can also check out the Reddit Penpals forum. Here you can find pen pals directly in the forum (be safe with the information you share!) but it's also a great place to find the most up to date information on the best, safest places to find pen pals and learn more about pen pal etiquette.

How to Pick Someone to Write To

Once you've found a community or platform, resist the urge to just message the first person you see. A few things to look for instead:

• Shared interests: even one or two overlapping hobbies (journaling, a favourite book genre, a love of stickers) gives you instant material to write about.
• Similar expectations: if you want a regular monthly letter and they mention they write "whenever inspiration strikes," maybe it's not the best match for you!
• A little bit of personality in their intro: you're not looking for a perfect match, just someone whose energy seems fun to write to.

And a gentle reminder: not every match works out, and that's completely normal. It's not a reflection on you. Sometimes people get busy, lose interest, or simply aren't a great fit. Try again with someone else. Worst case scenario, you send out a letter that brightened somebody's day and, frankly, we could use more than that!

What to Write in Your First Letter

This is the part that trips people up the most! It's like we get writer's block and default to writing the world's most boring letter ("Hi, how are you, I am fine"). Here's how to do better.

Introduce yourself with specifics, not generic facts.

Skip "I like reading and music". Big yawn! That could be anyone. Instead, try: "I'm currently rereading the Anne of Green Gables series for the 15th time and I collect vintage Nancy Drew editions" or "I love thrifting for vinyl albums - they sound so much better than listening to music via streaming"

Specific is memorable. Generic is forgettable.

Ask questions that are fun to answer.

"How are you?" is hard to respond to in an interesting way. "Give me 5 song titles that describe your week" gives your pen pal something to actually sink their teeth into — and makes it much easier - and fun -  for them to write back.

Use a simple structure so you're not staring at a blank page.

You don't need to overthink the format. A first letter can be as simple as:

1. A greeting and quick intro
2. A few specific details about yourself
3. One or two fun, open-ended questions
4. A warm sign-off

Add a little something extra.

A sticker, a small doodle, a pressed flower — a tiny surprise tucked into the envelope makes the letter feel like an event rather than just an exchange of words. (For more ideas, see Over 50 Fun Things You Can Send Your Pen Pal.)

But remember, the letter is the most important part of your mail. You don't have to include extras at all, especially if your budget doesn't allow for it. And you don't need to go overboard. It's not a competition to see who can send the most or best extras!

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Keeping the Exchange Going

Once that first letter is sent, a little light etiquette goes a long way:

• Response times vary, and that's okay. Some pen pals write back within days, others take weeks. Try not to read too much into the timing.
• If they go quiet, it's not necessarily about you. Life gets busy. A gentle follow-up after a month or two is fine; after that, it may just be time to find a new match.
• Make writing back easy on yourself. Keeping a small "mail kit" of stationery, stamps, and a few fun extras on hand means you're never stuck without supplies when the mood to write strikes. (More on building the perfect mail kit in our next post!)

I think it's also important that sometimes, it's best to enter into pen pal relationships with more emphasis on what you have to give rather than what you hope to get. I look at it as a way to brighten somebody's day. If they reciprocate, that's icing on the cake. But ultimately, it's the writing and sending of the letter that brings me the most joy. 

Frequently Asked Questions

Is it safe to have a pen pal?
Yes, as long as you take a few sensible precautions. Stick to reputable communities or platforms, share personal details (like your home address) gradually rather than all at once, and consider using a PO box if you'd rather not share your home address right away. Trust your instincts — if something feels off, it's okay to stop writing.

Is having a pen pal free?
Almost! Your main cost is postage and stationery. Some dedicated pen pal matching platforms offer free membership with limited messaging, plus a paid tier with more features, but joining communities on Reddit, Discord, or Facebook is free.

What should I write about if I don't know what to say?
Start specific, not generic. Mention something you're currently into, a small recent moment from your week, or a question that's more interesting than "how are you?" (I've got a free fill-in-the-blank template above if you want the structure done for you!)

How long should a first letter be?
There's no required length — a single page is plenty. What matters more than length is including a question or two so your pen pal has something easy to respond to.

What if my pen pal doesn't write back?
It happens, and it's rarely personal. Life gets busy, interest fades, or the timing just isn't right. Give it a few weeks, send a gentle follow-up if you'd like, and don't be afraid to find a new match if it doesn't work out.

More Reading

• Over 50 Fun Things You Can Send Your Pen Pal
• Your InCoWriMo Supply Checklist for a Month of Letter Writing

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